I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
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little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Meow
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies