[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
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Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right