Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
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#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating