*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
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The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Spider-cat: No One Home
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.