I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
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I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy