Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Potatoes were such a good idea
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.