Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
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Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁