Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
constantly working on myself.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine