I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
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The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.