The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
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i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.