[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
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No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
God, I love Scotland
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.