The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
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an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.