[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
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A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME