coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
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me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Growing up was a huge mistake
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.