Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
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I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Proctology is located in A55
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.