Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
What?!?
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible