Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
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what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Got him!
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.