How high do the levels go?
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School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
She: I like Cats
He:
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????