Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
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Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
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SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops