My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
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3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Buck naked
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Very good! 👍😂
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked