Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
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torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw