Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
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HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial