My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
🤣🤣🤣
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer