My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
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[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened