Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
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I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
For the baby who has everything
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
What
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Godspeed, John Glenn
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.