*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
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someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Ferrari squats
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.