When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
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So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.