“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
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ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.