Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
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Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect