Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
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her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.