Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
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the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito