[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
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Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch