[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
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Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”