Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
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TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.