Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
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if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.