When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
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Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to