Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
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Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.