I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
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him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
My dad is at it again
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?