Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
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Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
time for some seasonal decor
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Breaking news:
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.