Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
You Might Also Like
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Art by Pastelkatto
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”