Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
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The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.