It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
*skinny dips into black hole
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door