Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
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Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.