Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
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Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.