In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
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They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food