The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
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I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio