HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
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The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.