– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
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Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Oh deer
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.