Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
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It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy