Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
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I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
getting corrected
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.